|
When Soon E and I prepared for our trip to Korea in 2002 for a two-week visit with her family, I accompanied her to a New Hampshire liquor store where she bought two 1.75 liter bottles of Johnny Walker vodka and two 1.75 liter bottles of Chivas Regal scotch whiskey to take as gifts. One of the bottles had to be left in a locker at the Inchon airport, a victim of the alcohol import quota. We almost missed our flight back because of the extra time it took Soon E to retrieve it.
We had planned to stay in a motel near Soon E's younger sister but it became obvious it would be much easier for everyone if we stayed with her. She had an extra bedroom. They had been worried that I wouldn't want to sleep on the floor as many Koreas do but I actually relished the chance to experience the Korean culture.
Soon E's younger sister had an elaborate Korean meal for us. We all sat on the floor around a low table; another Korean custom. Even though my legs were aching, I insisted on sitting on the floor. Sitting in a chair would have spoiled the experience for me.
There was quite a crowd present: Soon E's mother; Soon E's younger sister, her husband, and three children; Soon E's younger brother, his wife, and son; and Soon E's older brother and his wife.
After dinner, Soon E, one opened of the bottles of Johnny Walker vodka and poured drinks for everyone but me. She had also brought along a large bag of Estee Lauder free-gift cosmetic samples that she had collected while in the U.S. She had each of the women pick out some of them as a gift. By the end of the evening, the bottle of Johnny Walker was empty and everyone had had a great time.
Many time while we were in Korean, we went out with various friends of Soon E's to celebrate her visit and the so-ju flowed like water. So-ju is a very strong Korean whiskey that my son Jack had told me about when Donna and I visited him and Sandi in Korea in 1986. Soon E, along with everyone else except me drank an incredible amount at each sitting but she was never obviously drunk.
This was the first time in our 12 years together that i had seen Soon E drink large quantities of alcohol. Sometimes when we were on a trip or at a rare party, she would have a "sex-on-the-beach" and sometimes a glass of wine. Very rarely, she would have a glass of wine at home. But she, like my first two wives, Anna and Donna, could take a drink once in a while and not touch alcohol again for weeks or months.
For a long time I didn't understand how Soon E could even look at alcohol. Her husband's alcoholism spiraled their marriage into misery and directly led to his death and the subsequent loss of her three daughters. Click here read about Hak-kun.
But it became obvious that Soon E was better able than me to separate alcohol and alcoholism. Soon E hated alcoholism but not alcohol. My mother, maternal grandmother, and I couldn't separate the two.
My grandmother was convinced that the tragic life of her brother, Hemp, who died alone and destitute, was caused by alcohol. My mother and I felt that alcohol had caused our misery in the 1940s and early 1950s. Instead of hating alcohol we should probably have hated whatever it is in some people that cause them to become alcoholics.
For some reason, I have never minded if others drink. I just didn't want to drink myself. I would go to parties, drink only diet coke, and have a great time. I always felt that being totally sober helped me to better enjoy the party. I wanted to do my own talking instead of having alcohol talking for me.
In the early 70s, Anna and I had two good friends: Warren and Debbie. At that time Anna and I ran a photo-composition business and Warren and Debbie a printing business. Both businesses required working day and night at least six days a week. But we would take off Friday night and go to a bar in Somerville, MA. Anna, Warren, and Debbie would drink various alcoholic beverages from 7:00 until last call time. I drank only diet coke but always thoroughly enjoyed our night out.
When my father was sober, he was the nicest, gentlest person one could imagine. And my mother told me that the last 30 years of their marriage were the happiest years of her life because my father had somehow managed one day on his own to stop drinking. He never drank again.
But in the first 15 years or so of my life, he drank to excess many times and caused a lot of psychological and financial difficulties for our family.
When I was 7 or 8, we took our only trip out of state. Uncle David and Aunt Vonnie were living in Newport News, VA where Uncle David worked in the shipyard building and repairing ships during the World War II. Not having a car, mother, daddy, Chloe, and I took the four hour or so train trip from Princeton, NC to Newport News. It was really exciting for my sister and me who had never been further away from home than Raleigh; about 45 miles west of Princeton. It was only the second trip out of state for my parents who early in their marriage had driven to Florida with some friends.
A wonderful family friend, Jesse Bass, a dead ringer for Joe E. Brown who played Cap'n Andy in the movie "Show Boat", was a conductor on the train. At some point, my mother realized that daddy had been drinking. Apparently Jesse had some liquor stowed away on board. Mother was devastated and said that we would never take another trip. We averted disaster, got to Newport News, and had a great time with Aunt Vonnie and Uncle David.
One Sunday, when I was about 10, a friend came over to our house on his bicycle. My father was staggering around unsteadily in the yard. My friend rode his bicycle around in circles and kept saying loudly over and over, "he's drunk isn't he?" I was humiliated as I tried to deny the obvious.
There were even more serious incidents when daddy, in an alcoholic haze, would threaten to kill himself. But when he stopped drinking life totally changed for all of us. Click here to read more about this wonderful man.
Two of the things that initially attracted me to Donna were that she that she was a Baptist, albeit of the northern flavor, and that she said that she didn't drink. But not too long into the relationship, I learned that what many people mean when they say they don't drink is that the drink very little. To me, the phrase had always meant total abstinence. Toward the end of his life, Uncle David told me how he and his father made a pact that they would never drink and this truly meant never. In our church the communion "wine" was grape juice.
Donna began to hint that a drink once in a while wouldn't hurt me though she never directly suggested that I drink. On one of her trips to New Jersey to spend time with me we were at a restaurant one night and the subject came up. I decided, after 45 years of complete abstinence, to give it a try.
For the next six months of so we would have a drink once in a while; mainly wine. But one day on a flight with Donna back from Puerto Rico I started to order a glass of wine but decided not to because I noticed that wine always seemed to give me a headache. That was it. I never touched alcohol again.
Alcohol seems to be a rather significant part of the Korean culture. Soon E has said quite a few times that she wished that I drink so we could go to a bar once in a while. If she had the time I would certainly go to a bar with her but I would definitely drink diet coke.
The December 16th, 1990 party given by the local tae-kwan-do organization sounded like something that would be fun. There was going to Korean food, Korean games, and a tae-kwan-do demonstration. It would be Soon E's and my first party together. I was excited about being seen with her.
Unfortunately, the party didn't turn out well. There was a lot of alcohol, which normally wouldn't have bothered me. But Soon E and I were at a critical stage of our relationship and I wanted to be sure that she knew exactly what she was doing at all times and didn't say or do anything because she was under the influence of alcohol.
We went to the party with Chang and Myong. Chang had run out of his pain medication and had to drink to get through the evening. Soon E and Myong wanted to have a drink but I resisted Soon E's hints.
In the car on the way back to the condo, Chang was totally different than I had ever seen him. He was raging profanely about a Korean person at the party who he had spent the evening advising on immigration matters. For the first time since I had known him, I found myself wanting to get away from him. The next day he would remember nothing about what happened the night before. Because of the intense pain in his legs, Chang really had no choice but to drink that night. But it would lead to a strain in our relationship that would never be healed. |
