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A KOREAN WOMAN IN AMERICA

임 순이 / 한국 여자가 미국에서

  
Updated: December 29, 2008: 6:00 pm
 
   

The two shall become one

Monday, December 17, 1990

Soon E and I were married on January 27th, 1994; a little more than three years after the events of today. But the wedding itself was only a formality giving legal standing to an emotional reality that was firmly established during during the second week of December, 1990. By the early morning of December 18th, 1990 we had no doubt that we would be together forever.

As I write this in December of 2008 we're entering the 19th year of a relationship that I like to think of as "Christmas every day". In all this time I have never had a doubt that we were meant to be together and Soon E, not the romantic that I am, has only had a few minor relapses that lasted, at most, a few hours.

When the only way two people can communicate is with a few primitive phrases, looking up words in dictionaries, and using body language, it's hard to get across an idea of any complexity. But somehow we did.

Tonight, around 12:15, after we finished watching the very romantic movie "Houseboat" with Sophia Lauren and Cary Grant, we both felt pretty tired.

Soon E told me to lie down on the couch. She said she was going to sleep in my room tonight. I gathered that I was going to sleep on the couch. Whatever she wanted was fine with me.

She disappeared for a while and then came back and escorted me to my bedroom. She wanted me to turn on the light. She left the room and closed the door. I heard her go into her room. Somewhat puzzled I closed my door, turned out the light and lay down. I figured I had misunderstood her.

But then I heard her door open. It sounded as if she went into the kitchen. I heard another door close and figured she had just gotten something to drink and had gone back to her room. I could hear her singing.

The next thing I knew there was a knock on my door. Soon E had a blanket and I thought she had brought it in for me. But on closer inspection I saw that she had both blankets and her pillow.

She lay down on my bed, a mattress resting on box springs on the floor, and wrapped her blanket around herself. I understood her to say that we were just going to sleep. But there wouldn't be any sleep for several more hours.

Around 3:00, we decided to have some orange juice. I got the dictionary and showed her several words that I said described her: "cute", "sweet", "kind", And then the word that had been hovering around for several days: "sarang" (love).

We finally got to sleep about 4:00.

How could all of this have happened so fast? We only been together for a week. Of course during that week we had spent all our waking hours together. But that alone would be rather thin ice on which to establish a lasting relationship.

There were however three factors that, taken together, almost guaranteed that we would become inseparable. The first was the incredible bond that Soon E and I each had with her three daughters. Such a bond would be natural for a mother but by now I had also formed a deep bond with them. I loved them as much and as deeply as my own four natural children. This would be typical in any adoption but there were two more factors which made the difference.

I had never gotten over seeing, first hand, a mother separated from her children for financial reasons beyond her control. I remembered the day at social services when Soon E had been instructed to bring Ashley who we had said she could keep for a few more days when we first took Melissa and Mimi. We walked out with the three girls and Soon E was totally alone. I remembered the night at the Lotte Hotel when I had to turn my back on Soon E and walk away with Ashley as she screamed in my arms. I remembered the departure day when Soon E and some of her family came to the hotel to say goodbye to the the girls. As they left, Soon E's younger sister cried as she hugged me. Soon E hugged me but the expression on her face never changed. As they disappeared down the long hall, Mimi fell on the floor outside our door and wept uncontrollably. Later, at the airport, I had to look into Soon E's eyes and again walk away with Ashley. It was only Soon E and I were together that I learned what she had to go through in the days after the girls left.

And, in December of 1990, I was seeing my time with the girls drastically reduced after having spent almost five years devoting most of my time to them. My life with Donna had been over for some time and I I felt that I had been given a chance at redemption; a chance to make up for some of the pain I had caused Soon E. I knew I could never again be happy unless I somehow helped her to be happy again.

And from Soon E's perspective she now had a chance to at least be nearer to the girls, even if she couldn't see them. This brought a feeling of peace into her life that she hadn't felt for many years. It totally transformed her. In Korea, 8000 miles away, she had felt hopelessly separated from her daughters. Now they were only a couple of miles of them and she would be able to at least hear how they were doing from time to time

There were enormous technicalities standing in the way of our being married anytime soon. It would take more than three years to clear them away but after the early morning of December 18th, 1990 there was never any doubt that we must be and would be together for life.
 

ed's diary

monday
december 17, 1990

soon e was fast asleep on the floor in the living room when i got up around 7:30. i tiptoed around and then went into the bathroom for a bath.

when i got out, i did the few dishes in the sink. afterwards, soon e started to stir and woke up.

this morning, soon e made "in-sam cha" ("ginseng tea") for us. we sat at the table "talked".

soon e pointed at the "in-sam cha" and said something that sounded like "sour". she gave a korean word but i looked it up and there were three different meanings, none of which was right. i looked up "sour". that didn't seem to be it. finally hit the jackpot with "bitter".

we went over "slow" and "fast" this morning. i said that mimi was slow and ashley and melissa are fast. soon e got up and did a hilarious imitation of each walking toward her when she would call them. mimi just sauntered along. ashley and melissa moved briskly. i told her that's exactly the way it is now.

then we got off on " time". she put her hand on mine as she was practicing. we continued to touch for a long time. it seemed as if neither of us wanted to let go.

soon e is making breakfast and singing. she must be happy. i could only be happier if the girls were here.

soon e decided to straighten out ashley's collection of empty bottles, cans, etc. under the sink. i offered to take them. soon e wanted to know where. i said "bedroom". she vigorously shook her head "no". she said she'd put them back under the sink. then she pointed toward the trash. i said "ashley" and used my index fingers to show tears coming down ashley's cheeks. soon e, "ashley's awma" (ashley's mother) and she made a little slap motion with her hand. ed, "ashley?" she nodded "yes". we both laughed.

around 11:30, soon e brought me a plate of grapes. i felt like a king.

i've been through some discouraging times in the last couple of years. but soon e's arrival has changed all that. now i want be with her forever. i told chang today that if they deported her to korea i would go with her and i was serious. thank God her visa is good for six months even though she had only planned to stay for a short time. i would have been crushed if she had had to go back after a couple of weeks.

after she gave me the plate of grapes, soon e asked what time i wanted lunch. she suggested 1:00. it would be a while before lunch. soon e went into her room and lay down. for the first time since she's been here, she didn't close the door to the hall.

several times i looked in on her. it's such a joy to be able to take care of her.

soon e woke up about 2:40. she came in, looked at the clock on the VCR, and gasped. soon e, "melissa ap-pa hungry?" ed, "neh" (yes). she patted my stomach tenderly. soon e, "lunch-ee?"

ed, teasing soon e, "an-ju-ship-shi-o." ("please sit down". I purposely used the "ship-shi-o" ending which conveys high respect for a person on a higher social level instead of "seh-yo" for a person on the same social level. soon e, "weh?" (why). she was asking me why i used "ship-shi-o" instead of "seh-yo"". ed, "hyong-shik" (formal); indicating that in my mind she was on a higher level than me. soon e, "melissa ap-pa hyong-shik". she was indicating that she should use the formal with me instead of vice versa.

at lunch around 3:30, soon e talked the korean particles for collections of people and things. i got out my park korean language book. there is a long list of these particles.

at one point soon e told me that she's 39. that's 38 using our usual system of starting the age at the time of birth. koreans calculate one's age starting at conception.

during lunch i was played julio iglesias video. she said the backup singers were beautiful.

after lunch, i started the spaghetti sauce. i used a jar of spaghetti sauce as the base. soon e diced some onions. i didn't have any tomatoes which i usually add. i heated some hamburger in a fry pan; adding a little salt in the hamburger. i then added the hamburger to the sauce along with a very little bit of sugar. i then simmered the sauce on very low heat for more than four hours.

soon e lay down on the couch. i had the "spirituals" video tape playing. the next thing i knew, she was fast asleep. i tried to be as quiet as possible. i had several calls. around 4:30, larry greenberg called and i had to get going on some programming changes.

a little later, soon e woke up. she came over and gave me a shoulder rub and some little chops in the upper back and shoulder area. it felt great. she also gave me a "baccus d" vitamin drink. (she got them at the korean store and we each had had one on sunday.)

i found one of my korean history books and showed it to soon e. there was a picture of buddha. i asked her if she was buddhist. she no but that her mother is. she made negative motions about both buddha and Jesus.

at about 7:45, i stopped work. soon e was watching "mash". around 8:00, she felt a little nauseated, the movie "houseboat" with sophia loren and cary grant came on. i wondered if i'd be able to pass along enough information so that she could enjoy it. it turned out to be a perfect movie for our situation. it took very few words to get the idea across. the movie was really funny and we laughed a lot.

i boiled the spaghetti on during commercials. at 9:00, we each got a plate of spaghetti. we turned the coffee table longways and sat on the floor for dinner. soon e also had "moo" (radish) kim-chi. the spaghetti sauce was quite good. i was thankful i hadn't stumbled on my first attempt to cook for her.

at one point, soon e made a motion for a big bust referring to sofia lauren and said the korean word. the movie had some really romantic parts. at one point i put my arm around her.

after the movie, soon e found the new hampshire educational channel. then she wanted to watch more of the 8mm tapes. we were still on the disney world tapes. i had some ice cream. soon e didn't. we sat on the couch.

soon e got very sleepy and closed her eyes. at one point, she leaned toward me and her head was almost on my shoulder. a little later, i rubbed her left shoulder.

tonight soon e came into my room and we slept together for the first time. our fate was sealed.
 
 
 

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