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chang had called toward the beginning of lunch. soon e had stood beside me breathlessly waiting. i didn't want chang talk to her in his present state of mind.
i tried to find words to explain to soon e what had happened with chang: how he felt we were ignoring him, how he and myong seemed to be jealous of the attention i was giving her; how chang was trying to separate us. she pointed me to the words "misunderstanding" and "reconciliation". i had different words: "betrayed". "chang, advisor, X"
needless to say, neither of us had any further appetite.
in the midst of this, soon e wanted to call chang. i said no. then she wanted to call myong. i finally said ok. she called and she and myong talked for several minutes. soon e was saying a lot. then she gave the phone to me. myong seemed reluctant to get into what soon e had said. finally, she asked about coming over tonight. i said that i had a terrible headache (which was true) and suggested tomorrow night.
after the call, soon e and i continued our talk. she wanted to know about what happened in court. i felt that i had to get the sequence just right so as to minimize the possibly devastating affect on her.
i started with the part about the judge demanding my passport. then i went into the part about my being able to see the kids once or twice a week for a few weeks. then i told her that she and i would have to talk to a psychologist three times and also that the girls and donna would have to talk to her. then, the girls would be able to come here and she would be able to see them.
using all the courage i had, i told her that it would probably be sometime in february before she could see the girls. of course i really have no idea of when it might be. finally, i told her that in order for us to have a chance to see them we both need to give our passports to the judge. i'm still not sure whether i got that across. if she understood, she didn't object.
she wanted to call myong so i could explain it to her. she called. myong said that she was busy cooking and didn't have time right now. it was becoming clear that i was on my own.
soon e was still talking about misunderstanding and reconciliation. i decided i had to go a step further. i wanted her to be prepared in case chang tries to get her to leave. i said that chang doesn't trust her. she asked me if chang wanted her to go back to korea and i said yes.
at one point i said that chang thinks men and women are not equal. soon e, "han-guk men ..." she raised one hand higher than the other, indicating that korean men think men are better than women. ed, "melissa ap-pa, an-cho-wae-yo" ("i don't like that") i put my two hands on the same level. soon e, "han-guk men, X, mi-guk men O" ("korean men X, american men O").
at some point, she asked if we could call the "shin-bu-nim" ("priest", i.e., father ben). i was a bit hesitant since he's a catholic priest and God only knows what he would think about her being with me. i placed the call but thankfully he wasn't there.
soon e tried twice to call chang sometime around 6:00. i said i was going downstairs but she told me just to go into the bedroom and pretend to sleep. she never got him.
soon e heated the spaghetti sauce for me and i had it on rice. it was quite good. (i have done that before and when the girls would see it, they definitely didn't approve.)
after dinner, we sat on the couch. we had had the korean cd on for much of the afternoon. as we sat on the couch, i was trying to tell her how i felt about her. she was saying that she was a "na-pu-da woman" ("bad" woman). she said it over and over. i told her that she was beautiful, wonderful (she knows the english word), kind, good. i seemed to be getting nowhere. then she used the would "chain".
(we have been looking up a lot of words this afternoon. it can take many minutes between the time she tries to express a thought to me in korean and we can locate the word. this afternoon, we've had to go to the big dictionary quite often. but the words have been so important that we gladly went to the trouble.)
the word "chain" seems to be sinner. she kept saying it about herself. then she started singing what sounded like a hymn. i didn't recognize the tune. i got the korean/english hymnbook. it turned out to be "amazing grace" to another tune. she sang several verses with that tune. then she sang the whole thing with the tune that i know. she found and sang several other hymns that i know well, one to the tune of "auld lang sine".
i told her that i had prayed for her and my mother daily in 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990.
she kept applying "chain" to herself. i found the words for "worship", one of which is "adore". when i showed her that, she said, "chain, sa-rang-hae-yo?" (" you love me even though i'm a sinner?"). ed, "ne ne" ("yes yes"). at that point she leaned toward me and i took her into my arms. she cried for some time.
then she came up with another word. after considerable effort, we found it: "angel". she said that i was an angel.
she started looking for another word. we ended up sitting on the floor. i was hoping that it was some word indicating that she desperately loved me. it wasn't. it was the dreaded word "remarriage". she wrote down a date in 1988 and asked me if i knew that she had remarried. i said, "of course". the darker parts of me saw the end in sight: she likes it here but she loves him so much that she can't give him up. i was really quite afraid to pursue this.
she asked me why i had wanted her to come if i knew she was married. i got out the letter that she had written me. she smiled as she reread it. i looked up "correct" and tried to ask her if she had meant what she said. she said that it was correct.
then she found the word for "pain" and started to cry, "han-guk man. wae-yo? waeyo?" i knew she meant that her husband was begging her to come back. i was in a state of shock by this time. i knew that somehow i had to get up enough courage to asked her if she wanted to go back. but what if she said yes? i would be destroyed. i felt my mind go into never-never land. i couldn't react for a minute or so. then i blurted out the question, "wan-hae-yo?" (i hope that it means "do you want to?") she shook her head "no". i was lying on the floor and she was partially sitting. i put my head in her lap and was on the verge of crying with relief. to make sure i hadn't asked the wrong question, i said, "melissa aw-ma, kye-sae-yo?" ("do you want to stay?") she said yes.
now i had to go to the next step. "melissa awma sa-rang-hae-yo?" and i indicated a little with my thumb and forefinger. she smiles and stretched out her arms as fully as she could. i was so happy. other than the night she pointed at the phrase, "of course, i love you!", i'm not sure she has said "i love you" to me. a couple of times i thought she did but wasn't really sure.
then i saw no problem in taking it to the last step. i pointed to marriage. she was shaking her head "no". soon e "wedding march-ee? har-ah-bo-ji, hal-mo-ni? ching-pae (covering her face to show embarrassment of a grandfather and grandmother marrying) ok mi-guk?" ("is that ok in america?") ed, "yes".
i pointed to the words "legal" and "official" to indicate that i was referring more to a legal marriage rather than a large ceremony. soon e, "motel?" ed, "ne ("yes"). or ..." i pointed to "court" since i couldn't seemed to find a more appropriate word: "justice of the peace" seemed pretty impossible to get across.
at some point i said "mee-an ham-ni-da" ("i'm sorry") concerning her husband. but we both knew it was more important to her to be near her daughters: melissa, mimi, and ashley ashley.
i asked her if she was going to tell chang that "kye-sae-yo" ("she will stay"). she said she would tell him tomorrow night when they come for a movie.
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